The Useless Musings of an Over-Thinker

G'morning everyone. Well its morning to me anyhow seeing as I've only just woken up. I'm in rather high spirits at the moment, despite the fact that my parents are about to take me to a garden center.This time last week I was in Paris with my choir made up of girls from my extinct school. It was absolutely boiling there and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky, just massive expanses of blueeeeee. I got really burnt and I now have a tank top shaped tan on my shoulders and a permanent blush.
We sang our pieces in the Magdalene which looks like this:
It was very very big and very daunting but amazing at the same time. I wore my bambi heels and didn't fall over once, so I was very proud! My feet did go numb though as we were standing up for at least 2 hours.
Paris was a bit of a shock to the system to begin with. I have been use to being the oldest recently because of working on the play and I hadn't really encountered any need to feel insecure in myself or been part of a conversation bitching about someone else because I was insecure. In this trip the average age was 19 or 20 and I have not felt so insecure and unsure of myself since year 7. I hate when I get like this because it means I cant carry out a conversation properly, because I have to think about every little thing I say before I say it and I end up either sounding like a total prat or a pompous idiot. I wouldn't be surprised if half of the choir thought that was what I was like when in fact I'm a lot more easy going at home. Oh it was all very tense and strange. Even people in my year I couldn't really talk to without thinking they might think badly of me. I must have been a right pain to have around.
Right anyway I must leave for the garden center now (oh the joy) so I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Ah you know I can be such a colossal prat its not even funny. It's a strange thing when 'The Simpson's' makes you realize that you're a bit of an idiot. I suppose that says a lot about me that I finally realize something that's been staring me in the face from a cartoon, but it was 'The Simpson's' so that must redeem me slightly? I wont go too far into detail about what I realized but if I tell you that it was the episode where Lisa basically starts to idolize this male teacher she has and sees him as a father figure then I'm sure you can fill in the rest. Told you I was a prat didn't I?
Anyway onto more uninteresting news (more you say? surely not!) I bought my first pair of heels yesterday with my mother. I must have looked like bambi when I was trying them on, tottering about the place like I was just learning to walk. I love them though and have been walking around the house in them so I can get use to it. I use to dance in heels when I did ballroom dancing so I should be able to walk in them soon enough.
I tell you I am yearning for school to come back. I suppose its the performer in me but I am really missing being in large groups of people and stuff like that. I only tend to see one person at a time in the holidays because I cant generally cope with more than that at my house so school is my only opportunity for such large crowds. I'm also missing that feeling of exhaustion you get after having a long day working, although I only really get that whilst setting up a play and I'll have to wait a bit into the year for another one to come up. I'm just getting generally sick of this enormity of free time. It's too much I tell you!
Anyway I think that's all of my news for now. I hope everyone is good and enjoying the sun today! x

I really wish I'd learned to play piano as a kid. I suppose I'm still a child now but I don't think I'll ever get around to learning something like that this late, and anyway I already play guitar and sing so I suppose I've chosen my form of musical expression already.
I am now in full swing of my summer holidays and never before have I felt so caged. I think from the moment I was let out of drama summer school my mind has become restless. I haven't actually ever experienced it before, being so sick of my own four walls when usually I am the first to ask to stay in them. However this holiday I cant seem to find anything to occupy my mind, I flit from one subject to the next never quite focusing on anything. I need inspiration for poetry that may not even be very good. I just need to get out of here.
I cant wait for school to start again, just so I can get my priorities straight, but sadly by then I'll probably realize that I've wasted my summer thinking when I should have been working. One good thing thats come up so far is that, despite what my sort-of-counselor warned me, I am not a grieving crumbled mess. Yes, he was like a father to me and next year is going to be hard without him but its school and you're not meant to have that sort of a support line at school, you're meant to get on with things on your own because that's part of growing up. I was damn lucky to have him but never mind that hes in the past now and I sound slightly like a lunatic.
I suppose this is what happens when I listen to poetry and read it all day long and nothing else, my mind wonders and thinks its made for greater things. Oh how pretentious. Tomorrow I must do some latin revision, wish me luck.

Another one of those poems that starts based on someone real and then ends up being completely different.

Lost in my own imaginings

Digging a hole with idealistic dreams

I live my life in the subjunctive

Never quite connecting to real life

I suppose destiny saw fit for you to enter

And then leave my life so swiftly

We’re like some tragic tale

Only we were restricted from

Long embraces and woeful goodbyes

 

We are the most realistic of relationships

One that starts in a told truth

And ends with no goodbye

Yet love was never something we

Divulged in. Too real for even the most

Realistic of relationships

Too forward, too truthful

Too dangerous to be spoken out load

 

We knew of our mutual affections

Through other ways of course

I, predictably, telling all in a poem

And you, well, you never really did tell me

I have to rely on memories of smiles

And kind hearted words.

 

I need you now father of my affections

I miss the looks that

Told me all would be fine

I will carry on so as not to shame you

But I will still get lost with you in

My own imaginings

And continue to dig us a hole filled

With idealistic dreams.

You never guess what I've just done AGAIN. I've completely opened up to another person that I barely know. This one was in year 13 so she's three years older than me this time. I don't understand why I seem to do that every single time I meet someone I click with. Shes a really happy, bubbly person as well. The worst thing about opening up to these people who are such lovely happy people is I find out that they too have gone through this. I'm bewildered and honored that they always share it with me but its always so saddening. Why do so many people suffer from depression at this age? It doesn't seem fair. I suppose it's not as well known because most dont share it with anyone or they just resolve it quickly. Ah I, ever the complicator, had to stick with it for a while and confuse a hell of a lot of people by telling them all about it. Remind me to keep my problems to myself in future.
My drama workshop is bloody tiring me out. I hardly even do anything and I'm still absolutely exhausted by the end of it. I can't seem to get into any characters either. I have the easiest on too and yet I can't even walk on stage without shuffling along like myself. I've become pathetic at drama and its really irritating. I don't know what it is exactly that's made me loose my confidence in it, but I can't even remember a time when I was good at drama now. Oh well, hopefully I'll get over it.
I have a feeling this summer is going to be hell. Nowt I can do about it other than prepare myself for the worst. Right now all I need is sleep. Night x 

This poem confuses me slightly because I simply have no idea where it came from. I'm obviously in a very abstract sort of mood. I don't think it makes any sense anyway. Its not related to anyone in particular either, just a figure behind a door in my mind. Someone or something I cant reach and wont ever be able to get back.

Through a door with a glass panel

You sit

Not watching, nor vaguely

Aware of my presence

You don’t look up

You’re eyes glued to whatever work you brought

But I know you’re thoughts are elsewhere

I know you.

 

You’ve guessed I’m here

Yet you remain, eyes down

Back straight; lines on your brow darker now.

Silly man why are you so scared of my gaze?

But as always you give in quickly.

You look up

For a second we dance together

And the door melts away,

The intensity of the moment

Stronger than naturalistic things.

 

But intensity never suited you.

You look down.

Our expressions mirror the same pain,

The same regret.

I leave down the stairs

My footsteps echoing a final thunder

Inside the room I know you’re aching

To follow. But you’re eyes will remain down

And our goodbye forever lost.

 

It's only 7 and I am fully ready to crawl into a ball and fall right asleep. Argh the news is on in the background and it’s just given me some more morbid news about Swine Flu; deary me. Well I suppose I would rather know what was going on with it than have it jump me by surprise. However I could do without the constant updates of 'IT WILL BE YOUUU NEXT' just because someone without underlying illnesses has died. It is all a bit scary though I must admit.
Moving onto less worldwide events, because I'm sure you get enough of that from the news, I had a drama workshop today; Aha that was a bit of an anti-climax. Yes, anyway I did and It was reasonably good. Its a continuous workshop over the week run by my form tutor like I said in my last post and it builds up to a performance, of what, I'm not sure yet. I think the theme is heroes or heroines or something along those lines and we have a dance thing tomorrow; unless Sean Bean turns up I'm not gunna shake nowt. I did have fun today but, gah, I'm so tired and brain-elsewhere type thing that I was just rubbish in general at acting and the like. Not that I think it really matters, its meant to be fun and not pressurized but I was the only year 10 that was shy really. It's not that I'm shy either, It’s just that I prefer to sit back and watch what the other people do and make notes in my head, than actually fail epically at it myself. I must have looked so awful at drama but again I don’t think it’s really a competition. I really need to stop thinking about it before I get majorly insecure. I also don’t like runny jumpy games which we seemed to be playing a lot of, so while everyone ran about, I sat; can't have looked too impressive from my form tutors point of view, especially as it was being continuously pointed out to him.
People at the workshop that happen to be in my year started quizzing me about my eating habits too. Now, generally, I don't eat very much, its not an anorexia type thing and I'm sure people who have gone through that would be offended if I suggested it was. I just don't eat as much as I should really and yeah it is a control thing. Well not at home it isn't, at home I eat anything and don't fuss about it, but when it comes to school and outside of home, I don’t eat. Of course my friends don’t like this very much and I have a nasty habit of not quelling people's fears. I think I have a subconscious need to be drastically honest to everyone outside of home about what’s going on with me since this year, or maybe I'm delving a bit too deep in my physiology there. Who knows how I work, I certainly don't.
I need to switch off my brain for a bit so I won’t go so miserable as I did today. Drama and Misery don’t go well together. I want it to end but I don't want to lose it all so soon.
Honesty coming back in there, switch off time. Night night.

 Katie Poppins says:

-hysterical giggles-

Nikki says:

ok well you’ve finally cracked

dancing to the Saturdays!

hysterical laughter

whatever next!

Somehow I agree with her. I think that I’d rather be insane and happy, however, than sane and miserable. Perhaps I’ve always been slightly eccentric and I just lost it this year. Drama is my favourite subject after all and I only know one person who isn’t slightly mad who does drama for a living.
So school is finished and yet I’m stable. Well, I cheated slightly in that respect as school isn’t really over for me. I’m going to the drama summer school next week which is being run by, you guessed it, my form tutor. I can honestly tell you though; I’m not doing it because of him. One of my friends really wanted me to do it with her and I thought, hey why not. It means my grand goodbye speech (which I haven’t actually devised yet) has been postponed to next week. I’m not sure if I’m pleased about that or not, if I never get to say it I’m going to be devastated. I don't think he'd let me walk away devastated but, we shall see.
The poem that I posted yesterday ('Befuddled Soul') arose from a conversation I happened to have with a girl who's two years younger than me. Her name is Emma and she is probably the most amazing girl of her age I have ever had the pleasure of talking too. She is far far more mature and intelligent than I could ever hope to be and after only a week of having her msn, she now knows everything about me. I felt slightly guilty about breaking down to her but afterward (I had been persuading her to try poetry beforehand) she sent me this poem:

Goodbye,
I am going to Wales,
I won't see any whales,
I'm going to miss you,
You are a wonderful person,
You are forbidden to get miserable,
Email me whenever,
Have fun at summer school,
I think that is it,
Goodbye.

Which produced tears of happiness and relief. What a year its been, I don't regret a second of it.

We put on masks as thick as skin

Of the image we want to portray

Hidden emotions and stifled fears

All bundled beneath the facade

 

The outsiders see it to be the real you

Always happy, always full of light

They do not wonder why it never moves

They do not see the internal fight

 

If they stumble upon you, your mask crumbled

Tears cascading without pause

The best they can do is walk past quickly

Not even they want to see your flaws

 

All the friends your light attracted

Shrink back as your problems manifest

They do not want their perfect vision fractured

So secure the mask and feign the rest

 

Hold on, wait a minute

When did this happen?

I’ve suddenly become dependent

On the words of befuddled souls.

 

I thought I was so far ahead,

So much better in myself

Better, sane, whole again

But then a simple question breaks me down

 

You are so young

And I, not the role model you could want

Don’t admire what’s broken

These petals are too withered to be beautiful

 

Hold on, wait a minute

I’m going to be fine

I said so myself in a poem to him

Please tell me I wasn’t lying

 

Please walk away now

Before you become another soul

I’ve befuddled.

 

 

 

 

So, let’s try and be more informative than I was in my last post. I wrote that after a long weekend with nothing but the company of my own brain and thoughts that I should really not have been thinking. The only way I can communicate when I'm like that is through useless bits of poetry and long rants about nothing in particular.
Anyway, let’s dust the rubble from our clothes and move on. Apart from weekends and the occasional wobbly at school, I'm fine. Now, I know I've said this before and it’s all turned out to be not real, but this time, or over these past couple of weeks, I really do feel like me again. I'm back to being a perfectionist and hard on myself about things that I can see and know. Instead of crying over things I couldn't explain. I don’t really know what I prefer but I won’t get into that. What everyone else’s perception of 'well' is is what I am now; if that makes sense.
The school play that I assistant directed/stage managed was all last week. It took up so much of my time but I enjoyed every second of it. It ran for four nights and I prompted for each of them, which was really stressful but rewarding. Yesterday was the last night and I got flowers! It was really unexpected but the whole cast cheered and whooped me and then gave me a thank you followed by flowers. I couldn’t have asked for anything more wonderful and I almost cried there and then.
As often is the case with such wonderful things it came to an end and I'm left feeling slightly lost; the end of the play and now soon the end of school. For most the end of school is a good thing but for me it marks the end of my time with my form tutor and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've said all this before but I have such a strong feeling of grief right now. Not only that but, as I am better, I don't speak to him as much and I found that one of my close friends has decided to jump in at the last minute to share her problems with him. Now I don't mind this in theory and I know that it shouldn’t upset me because she has a right to talk to him about her life; yet my heart plummeted as soon as she mentioned it. The truth is I love this man like a dad, and it’s the strongest emotion I've ever had for anyone outside my family. So the thought of him not only leaving but seeing someone else as a priority breaks my heart.
I know, I know get over it right? Move on. You can't be the sole holder of his respect and affection. I just don't want to be forgotten. I don't want this year to mean nothing. I don't want there to be no time for goodbyes. It can’t just end.
But didn't I just say wonderful things always come to an end?
Time to pick myself up and dust off the rubble. Have a nice evening everyone.

My room is clean but I'm cleaning it again.
I need to keep my hands busy.
I need to keep my mind away from the inevitable.
I need to calm down. 
I need to hoover.

I'm a mix of emotions right now but mostly I'm happy, rather rather happy which is quite good really. I mean its been a bit of a stressful week. I've had exams, betrayals, anxiety, lies, tears, blood, irritation, anger, frustration, joy and reassurance so pretty full week really. In the end though, reflecting back on it all on this friday night, I'm quite happy with the week.
Its around the time when all the year 11s and year 13 are leaving so there has been lots of dressing up and generally screaming the school down. Also lots and lots of exams. I've just started mine and have now got 5 out the way, 5 of the nasty ones as well. I still have to revise all my latin and sciences and french oral but right now I'm reveling in my contentedness; I tell you it can be a bit of an alien feeling these days.
After all the stuff that I've gone through this year its strange to think that I'm still only 15. I know that sounds really pretentious but looking back to the beginning of the year I feel like I had so little perspective. Year 10 is almost over and with it my last year of proper freedom as GCSEs and AS and A levels are just round the corner. I've only got 4 years left in this school and then its off into the real world. Maybe I'll be back at the school but this time as a young English/Drama teacher. Aha thats a bit of a pipe dream but still maybe it will happen. I just know that I've done so much growing up this year and yet I've still got so much left to go. I'm absolutely terrified of change now after all this and I know things will be changing so much at the end of this year.
One of my favourite teachers, possibly better than my primary school teacher who got me started on writing and I thought no-one would beat her, is leaving at the end of the year. I've really come to depend on him and do confide in him quite a lot, poor man. I know its going to be devastating when he does go and I dont think I'm quite mentally prepared for it yet but I have to get prepared pretty quick, only a half term left now. I never thought I'd get so attached to a teacher and I know this sounds slightly creepy but he has helped me through so much. I don't think I've ever properly said thank you and I doubt I will ever get the chance. All I can do is hope maybe one day he will read this and see that I didn't really think he was a interfering bastard at all. I wish that I had had the chance to have him as a subject teacher and not just learnt what he was like through other people opinions. I've only known him for a year, yet I think he understands me better than a lot of my other long term teachers.
Oh dear bit of a sentimentality rant there, but I felt the need to get that off my chest. Its just that I need to start doing the growing up on my own now and I cant lean on him anymore, its quite a daunting prospect. Still everyone most move on at some point. Right off to bed. Night night all and I do hope I haven't clogged up your friends page with this rather unnecessary rant. x 

My head feels like it has been repeatedly hit by an axe-wielding yorkshire-man. That's a nice simile for this time of the morning or lunch really as its getting to 12. Well well well apart from the headache, guess who's feeling better?! Yessum I have been speaking to quite a couple of people in my school and things seem to be sorting themselves out. Now this might just be a good day in the middle of what might be a very bad couple of weeks but hey I might as well enjoy it while I can. The sad fact is that I have exams coming up so I really can't be dwelling on these things for too long a time because I should be revising. I do have amazing timing don't I? Mental breakdown right in the middle of exams, spiffing. On the other hand it gives me something to do and to get my head concentrated on. I've been told that I think too much so at least now I can try and focus more on work. Although if I work today this headache is going to become a problem. Alas I must go take some pills. Have a nice weekend peoples! x

With the amount of ruckus my stomach is making I'm thinking it does not like my current diet. Does that sentence even make sense? I can't blame my stomach really, I didn't eat anything at all yesterday till 5pm. I seem to be going without food a lot recently. Its not that I'm conscious about my weight or anything like that I just haven't felt the need to eat. I suppose maybe its another sign of it all spirally out of control. How dreadfully dramatic.
Anyway yesterday was good apart from the lack of energy. I was the sound technician type person for this musical that the year 7-9s were putting on. It was 4 day course for them in which they had to put together a musical. I and a friend turned up on the wednesday to help with lighting. She took the lighting job and I became in charge of pausing and playing. The professionals that had come into do it were really brilliant though and as soon as we walked in they made us sit down with them and we had a nice chat which was really welcoming. It was all great in the end and the younger years did amazingly well. They didn't even need the 'smile!' sign we had created.
After all of that I'm quite shattered and I now have to face a mountain of work. English coursework today! Wish me luck. Ciao x

I made the mistake of carrying the hoover up the stairs backwards again, my ankles are not amused. I haven't posted in a while, the simple reason being that things have taken a turn for the worst. Now I won’t put any unneeded details in but my depression spiral has become a problem. Things I would have thought were stupid a while ago I'm now doing or contemplating. Don’t worry I'm not taking drugs or nowt like that but I suppose it's on the same level as that. It's strange because people around me are panicking or trying to help in the best way they can (times like these that you find out how amazing some people really are) and I just sit here laughing at what an idiot I've become. Hopefully my life will sort its self out soon but for now I'm going to indulge in my Easter holiday.
On a lighter note I've been considering what I want to do when I get out of school. Becoming a author is still pretty high on my list but I don't think I'd want to do it full time. I never want to get to a point where I stop enjoying writing, which doing it every day could cause. Something I'm really interested in now is being a Theatre Director, I think it’s something that I have a real talent for and I just love drama so much that it would be a dream to do it every day. Another option that’s been creeping onto my horizons recently is becoming a Teacher. I think I've always watched and admired my teachers for what they do and how well the cope (the good ones anyway). They have always inspired me but I thought that I could never be cut out to do what they do. Recently though, with helping direct the play with my drama teacher, I can see why they do their job and why they love it so much. It's almost infectious how much passion (I hate to use that word in this context but I couldn't think of another one) they have to help and effect their students. One teacher in particular has been helping me through difficult times and I have to say he's probably, as dramatic as it sounds, affected my life quite drastically. He's leaving this year and I'll probably never get the chance to tell him how much he really has helped and inspired me. If I ever become a teacher it will be because of him, because of the difference I would want to make to my students lives like he did for mine.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and I haven't confused you too much with my ramblings! x

Sometime in life
I get to the point
Where I am so exhausted
With life, school and people
That I just want to
Throw up my hands
And storm out
For good.

Perhaps its just an urge
To be a bit dramatic
To have everyone watch
As I do something
They could only dream of
Or perhaps its just to see
How far exactly
I would fall

Can you tell me how high,
My pedestal really is?
So if I decide to
Fall from grace
The cord will be just long enough
To give me one last chance
To spring back.

Perhaps its just an urge
To be a bit dramatic

Perhaps its just to see
If you would risk all,
To pull me back.

Oooh it's been one of those days. One of those boring, nothingy, irritating and deflated days. Every time one of these days comes around I can't help feeling a little scared. I really really don't want to go back into my little depression spiral, which of course would waste mine and everyone else's time. I just hate days when nothing worth whiled happens. I keep having days when I really despise my school and pine for my old one. I feel like I need to have a good rant to someone about how much better my old school was and why I'm having difficulty with this one, but I can't.
1) Because it would be selfish to unload my 'problems' on someone
 2) No one wants to hear my negativity
3) This will probably pass in an hour
4) The only person I could talk to about it wouldn't be able to help me in any way and I'd just end up putting him in a awkward position.
Maybe its just one of those things that I need to get over? Yes I know it is because I can't do anything about it and whining wont help me. I think I just might need a long weekend of sleep. Thank god its friday tomorrow.

My ankles are bruised from trying to carry a vacuum cleaner up the stairs backwards. I won't be trying that again. At least my carpet is nice and shiny now, well as shiny as carpet can be.
I feel very calm and at peace at the moment, it’s nice and blue outside and I’m getting a nice breeze through the window. I've managed to finish a couple of books that have been on my list for a while and it's making me feel all productive and happy. If any of you haven't read Trudi Canavans new book, or are thinking about it, I suggest you go and read it because its majorly amazing. I'm also getting somewhere with my own writing. I've got about 5 pages of poems on my computer and my 'novel' is 29 pages now, which is big for me. It's so good to get back into writing and reading again, I think I sort of lost interest in it because I didn't think I could ever be as good as other people who write at my age. But that's a silly way to think about things, because really if you enjoy doing something you should stick with it regardless of whether or not you’re the best.
Thinking back I think I've been entirely too hard on myself recently. I've been expecting myself to be getting over things and sorting things out far faster than its actually possible and when I didn't do it I'd beat myself up. I have to say I missed being happy. I know how dramatic that sounds but it did get to a point where I was so closed in that I didn't think I would ever get out of being miserable. I was wrong of course, It just took a few good night rests and a good talk with my mother.
I cleaned out my cupboard of all my old school things yesterday. I cried and I laughed at the comments left by my old teachers. In a way it really has been like a bereavement and I didn't let myself grieve for it. I really miss the school and I think I dislike this new one. I have to stay though and get over my dislike. Time is a healer after all.
Hope everyone has had a nice weekend! <3

I just had a mild panic because I thought it was March already. Ok I just realized its march tomorrow, fantastic. That means its about 23 days to my drama performance of 'light and dark', brilliant. My tone is sarcastic of course. I'm meant to do lyrical dancing in this performance, the most I can do is waltz, I'm not lyrical dancing. Not even Sean Bean could make me lyrical dance. Well if he had chocolate too then maybe I would consider it.
Anyway! Lots and lots of things are going on at the moment and I've been on a bit of a emotional roller-coaster of late. The good thing is I'm utterly and completely alright and happy and jumpy now so I just have to look to the present. I mentioned that I didn't want to audition for the school play didn't I? Yes well I'm Stage Manager for it now ^_^ Which was what I wanted to do all along but I was too scared to ask. I think if I just had drama lessons and english lessons then school would be amazing.
On a boring note I ordered another journal a week ago and it still hasn't come, this irritates me. Right I must go the dancing comic relief thing is on. Hollyoaks people! <3